The following is a completely ridiculous, fictitious interview with Donald the Doula. It was created as an outlet to laugh at some hilariously real quotes in a completely foreign context.
Java Bean Coffee Haus, 6:30 pm.
Hi Donald, it's so good to meet you! We've been interviewing doulas over a month now, so we are really excited to hear your philosophy about pregnancy and babies and how you can help us have a great birth!
"I'll tell you one thing, this is a very good looking group of people here. Could I just go around so I know who the hell I'm talking to?"
Oh yea, of course! Sorry Donald! I'm Karen, and this is my husband David. (David goes to shake Donald the Doula's hand)
“The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I’ve been proven right.”
Oh I see you're very germ conscious Donald the Doula! We can definitely appreciate that with a new baby coming soon! So tell us Donald the Doula, what sets you apart from other doulas in the area?
"My life has been about winning. My life has not been about losing."
Well, that's definitely a good way to go about living your life I guess... So Donald the Doula, tell me your thoughts about what birth should look like, and how you feel about the politics of the hospital setting.
"I enjoy it, I enjoy the system very much. I doubt I'll ever be involved with politics beyond what I do right now, but I do enjoy the system. I find it a really, really beautiful thing to watch."
Yes, I completely agree, birth is a really, really beautiful thing to watch. Donald the Doula, I'm a little apprehensive about breastfeeding. I have breast implants, do you know if I can nurse with implants?
"They look like two lightbulbs coming out of her body." "It's Fantastic."
Well, umm, thanks.
(Donald the Doula looks at David)
"She's really cute, I have to tell you, she's really bouncy, really cute. She's about 5 foot 1. Do you like girls that are 5 foot 1? They come up to you know where."
(David) Hey man, that's my wife, of course I like that she's 5 foot 1.
(stern look from Karen)
Ok, Donald the Doula, enough about me. Do you know some techniques to help during labor to ease pain?
"Well absolutely. It's record setting, but in the old days, they'd say she has a bad body."
So are you saying that my body is not functioning correctly if I need help during labor or what if the nurses are charting too much and it looks like labor is not progressing normally?
"You know, it doesn't really matter what they write as long as you've got a young, beautiful piece of ass."
Hmmm, you know you talk a lot about my looks Donald the Doula, and I'm not sure if that's something I'm comfortable with while I'm naked and laboring.
"When I think I'm right, nothing bothers me."
Ok, I'm starting to think you don't know much about how to support me during labor Donald the Doula. So how could you help me and the baby postpartum?
"I mean, I won't do anything to take care of them. I'll supply funds and she'll take care of the kids. It's not like I'm gonna be walking the kids down Central Park. Right, I'm gonna be walking down Fifth Avenue with a baby in a carriage."
Well I wouldn't expect you to take the baby for a walk, but what could you do around the house to help? Could you change diapers?
"I don't change diapers. It's not my thing. You know what, I'm a good father, but that's not my thing and Melania's going to be a great mother. To a large extent it's up to the women. There are a lot of women out there who, you know, demand the husband to act like the wife, and there are a lot of husbands who listen to that."
My name is Karen, not Melania.
(David) Yes, there are are a lot of men who listen to that Donald the Doula. We want to be there for our wives and help where ever we can.
"I don't like the concept of divorce, but sometimes it becomes necessary."
(David) I think that's a little extreme Donald the Doula. We are really looking forward to this baby and can't wait to spend all of our time with this new little human being.
"If you have the money, having children is great."
You're right Donald the Doula, having children is so great. And a great doula is really worth the investment to bring my baby into the world in a wonderful, supportive, loving environment.
"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad- it really is."
Wow, umm sorry. That's embarrassing. Well look, Donald the Doula I just don't think this is going to be the right fit for us.
"Normally if I fire somebody who's bad, I'll tell them how great they are. Because I don't want to hurt people's feelings."
Well, Donald the Doula, I don't really like to hurt people's feelings either, but you're really not great, and I'm not the type of person to lie. I think that would just encourage you to keep doing this, and I just don't really think being a doula is your thing. Some people just aren't qualified for certain jobs. I really think you should think about another line of work. Goodbye.
6 months later
"You remember that horrible interview we had with Donald the Doula?"
"Well he found another job."